I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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