dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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