I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
