i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
