Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
