Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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