can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
