the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
