there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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