nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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