woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hippo gnu deer
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
