What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize