I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
