How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
