I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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