If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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