your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
