Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
3pm strippers are depressing
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
