The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
