I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
