Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
