It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
