cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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