I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Randomize
