remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
