So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
