8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
