there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
