I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
