Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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