If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Are we still banned from the library?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
