you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Can't talk, ducks in the car
You are a genius and a whore.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
