sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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