Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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