I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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