guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
