Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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