if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
