So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
