my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
