if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
