he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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