Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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