I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
