today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
