I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I stole a fireplace last night.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
