Dude my mom stole all your condoms
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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