can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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