I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
