I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
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Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
