those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Randomize
