she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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