i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
