You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
