Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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