If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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