Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
