Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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