His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
